Those Moments
by wickedwritergirl
Summary: Collection of missing moments, 'what if's and AU's based on actual episodes from the show. How things could've gone and moments we would've loved to see. Includes episodes like Kill Shot and Driven.
1. Kill Shot

**A/N: So! This is going to be missing moments/what if's and things like that from the show. They're not going to be in order, just as I come up with them. I'm open to suggestions too, by the way! This first one shot, is from Kill Shot. I bet you can guess which scene. But yeah, here's a look into Kate's head in that scene, and how it could've ended. I hope you like it! Please leave a review either way! Happy reading! **

I'm running. So many things are going through my head, it's making me dizzy. I find it hard to breathe. I try to focus on my feet, running through the hall.

I hear Castle calling my name behind me, but I do not turn around. I can't. He can't see me like this, so out of control. No one can. They wouldn't understand. Hell, I don't understand.

I find a door that leads to an empty hallway. I rush through it, and lean against the wall I find in there. I can't breathe. Everything is spinning.

A sniper. A goddamn sniper. He could be anywhere. Anyone could drop dead next, including me.

I know, in the back of my mind, that it's not the same person who shot me only some months ago. I know that. But seeing those victims.. God, I was shot by a sniper. I could've died. I almost did. My heart did stop for a minute or two. I died. I was dead. I died, I died, I died.

I'm trying to catch my breath, but I can't. I take off my jacket. I feel hot tears flowing down my cheeks. At what point did I start crying? I hope it wasn't around the other people. Around Castle. God, Castle..

I can't do this. I'm losing control. My hands are shaking. I'm shaking. I sit down on the floor, lean my back against the wall, and cry.

I don't understand what's happening to me. Yeah, it's PTSD, or so I'm told, but God.. This feeling. I can't take it. I hate being weak, and this is about as weak as it gets. I can't breathe properly. What kind of a normal person can't breathe properly?

One that was shot in the chest by a sniper.

A sniper that was never caught.

Like the one going around the city right now, killing innocent women.

I cry even harder.

Suddenly there's a soft knock on the door. I cover my mouth with my hand, trying to muffle the noise of my cries. I still can't catch my breath.

Someone talks through the door. "Beckett?"

Oh God. It's Castle. No. No, no, no.

I start to panic again.

"Kate?" He asks again, using my first name this time.

A cry escapes my mouth.

"Kate, I know you're in there." Castle says softly.

"Go away." I tell him. My voice sounds so weak. More like a cry than an order. Pathetic.

"No, I won't." He states. God, why can't he just leave me alone?

Suddenly I see the door knob moving. God, I didn't lock the door. I cover my face with my hands, just as he steps in the hallway.

"Oh Kate." He exhales softly. He sounds sad. God, I feel even more terrible.

I start crying even more. My whole body shakes as the tears pour from my eyes. I can't even talk properly. I try anyway.

"P-please, just.. Go-..Go away, C-castle, please." I stutter, as the crying and shortness of breath makes my voice break at almost every word.

Castle just looks at me for a second. Then he sits down next to me. He doesn't touch me, he doesn't judge me. He just sits there.

"I'm not leaving you Kate." He states. "I know you feel weak, but God, Kate, you're so strong. No one is as strong as you. It's okay to break down sometimes. It's more than okay."

I sob into my hand. How could he understand?

"I can't imagine what you're going through. But I'm here for you. No matter what. I know you like to think that you don't need anyone, but Kate, everyone needs someone sometimes. If you want, I'll be that someone for you." Castle says softly. His voice is so soft, so understanding.

Why does he want to help me? How in the world could he even help me? Can't he see what a mess I am? Can he really not see?

Suddenly I remember why.

_Kate, I love you._

_I love you Kate._

God.

He deserves so much better. So much better than me. I'm no good for him.

But right now, he doesn't understand that.

Right now, he does love me.

And God do I love him. With every piece of my broken soul.

I will fix this. I will get over this. For him. I will be better for him. For Castle.

I raise my head from my hands, and wrap them around his neck. Immediately, he wraps his arms around my waist. I sob into his shoulder, and he rubs my back.

"It's okay Kate, I got you. It'll be okay, I promise. I will make it okay."

And for a minute, I believe him. If there's anyone that can make things okay, it's Castle.

I desperately want to be good enough for him. I have to be. I have to work through this. I have to become a better person. For him.

As my breathing begins to slow down and my tears dry, I make a decision. I'm going to get better. I'm going to work through my issues. I will be more than my job. More than that one case that's been defining me for years. More than my case. My shooting.

I don't care how long or how much work it takes. I will do it.

He's worth it. He's worth so much. And I want to be worthy of him. I need to be.

His words, is what will keep me going. Those specific words. His love.

_Kate, I love you._

_I love you Kate._

I will be better. I will be worthy of his love.

I will get over this.

Starting with catching this son of a bitch.

**What did you think? Please review! And if you have any ideas for missing moments/what if's, please, do share! -S**


	2. Vampire Weekend

**A/N: Hello folks! So sorry for the long wait for this chapter! I wish I could update more, but real life keeps getting in the way. :( Okay, so this is an AU from the season 2 episode 'Vampire Weekend.' You might be able to guess which scene. I'm leaving it up to you to decide whether you want a part 2 for this. So let me know if you want this particular AU to continue. Please review! Happy reading! **

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This case is crazy. As if it isn't enough that it's tough and unusual, but on top of all, Castle is way too excited about it. I run my fingers through my hair, before stepping in to the room where the mystery writer is currently sitting at a table and.. What is he even doing? Reading a comic?

I walk in to the room, but he doesn't lift his nose from the comic. He looks pretty into it. That's cute. Wait, no, it's not. It's annoying. We're supposed to be solving a case here.

I sit on the table, right next to his feet resting on it, making him jump and put his feet on the floor.

"Hot on the case, Castle?" I tease him.

"On the case of a good read!" He says, sounding pretty impressed. "It's actually not bad."

I roll my eyes. I hold up a picture in front of his face. "Esposito found Morgan Lockerbee." I say, quite proudly, since the case is finally moving along. Castle glances at the picture, and starts flipping through the pages on the comic. He finally finds the page he was looking for, and holds it open, next to the picture he snatches from my hand.

"You mean, Morlock." He states.

I scoot closer to him, ignoring the chill that goes through me as my arm bumps his. I focus on the two pictures his holding in his hands.

"Vickson was right." I mumble, noticing the resemblance between Morgan Lockerbee and the character in the comic.

Suddenly I feel Castle turning his attention away from the pictures and turning towards me, leaning in closer, and breathing in, deeply. What is he doing?

"You smell like cherries." He says, but it sounds like he didn't actually mean to say it out loud.

That takes me off guard. We're talking about a case here, what is he doing.. Smelling me?

I turn to look at him, only to find him right next to my face, almost bumping our noses together. I stare into his eyes. He has a weird expression on his face. I can't quite figure out what it means.

I can feel his breath on my face, that's how close he is right now.

The time I spend everyday, rolling my eyes at him, telling myself he's a stupid player boy and crushing on him is a waste of my time, seems distant now. He's so close to me, I can't really think straight.

I don't know why, actually no, I do know why, but I don't understand why I couldn't just turn my face away from him, instead of moving my gaze from his blue eyes, to his lips. Jesus, Kate, why are you staring at Castle's lips?

I quickly look back up and meet his eyes again. They look different now. He looks more.. Determined?

How long have we been staring at each other? Seconds? Minutes? Hours? I can't tell, but suddenly, I feel him leaning in closer, as if that's even possible. It isn't really. Because the second after I realize his face is moving closer to me, his lips touch mine.

If I lost track of time just looking at him, now time stops completely.

For a while, I don't move. I can't. Is this really happening?

His lips cover mine, warm and soft and oh so much better than I ever imagined.

The only thing I manage to do right away, is close my eyes. The world outside of this corner of the Precinct, vanishes completely.

I feel his lips slowly starting to move away from me, when I suddenly realize I still didn't kiss him back. I quickly push my face back closer to his, and it seems to take him by surprise, but he recovers quickly.

He kisses me more confidently now, and my head is spinning.

I have thought about this moment so many times, much more than I'd like to admit, but nothing compares to the actual feeling.

I forget about the case, about my insecurities and doubts about him, and just melt against his lips. Our mouths move together, quite perfectly, and I never want it to end.

I feel his hand touching my cheek and I decide to I want to touch him too. I move my hand to his chest, slowly moving it up, from his shoulder to the hair at the back of his neck. He moves his body closer to mine, resting his free hand on my lower back. I sigh into his mouth and I can feel him smiling into the kiss.

I don't know how long we've been kissing, but suddenly, way too soon for my liking, I heard someone clearing their throat close to us.

I quickly pull myself away from Castle, turning towards the noise.

Esposito and Ryan are standing next to the open door, with shocked expressions on their faces. Ryan's eyes are about to pop out of his head, while Esposito looks also surprised, but wearing an annoying smirk on his face.

I take a deep breath and avoid eye contact. I glance at Castle from the corner of my eye, and he isn't looking at Ryan and Esposito either, but at the floor. He has some of my lipgloss on his face.

"Are we.. Interrupting something?" Esposito asks, his voice sounding way too amused.

I push some of the hair fallen on my face behind my ear and clear my throat.

"No." I reply to Esposito's question, at exactly the same time as Castle lets out a breath saying "Yes."

I turn to glare at him but he doesn't look like he regrets his answer. He turns to look at me, as if not believing mine.

Esposito is holding back a laugh, while Ryan looks kind of uncomfortable.

"Oh.. Kay." He says with a questioning tone.

I sigh and try to slip back into detective mode. "What'd you get a hit on?" I ask the boys.

Esposito smirks at me one more time, before he and Ryan start explaining about the newest lead on the case, but I can't quite focus.

I'm way too aware of Castle next to me, even though he's sitting further away from me now.

My head is still spinning. Did that really happen? And what the hell did it mean? God, did I really just kiss Richard Castle? And is that really his hand on my thigh under the table right now?

**Do you guys want a part 2? Let me know by reviewing! Pretty please, with a cherry on top? (See what I did there?;) -S**


	3. Vampire Weekend, part 2

**A/N: Again, sorry for the long wait. For what it's worth, I'd rather write fanfiction than go to school and be sick. So! A lot of you wanted a part 2 for the last chapter, so here it is! Part 2 for the Vampire Weekend story. Please review! Happy reading! **

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I have been doing my very best to avoid Castle since the kiss.

I can't believe that actually even happened. What was I thinking? I let myself get lost in his stupid blue eyes and then.. Yeah. God, I should know better than that.

It annoys me how cute he looks when he gets excited about this weird case, but I have to remind myself that I'm not supposed to think he's cute. He's not thinking about me like I'm thinking about him. The only reason he's interested in me, is because he can't have me. And I'm not about to just sleep with him to give him that sense of accomplishment. I'm not that kind of a girl.

When we finally closed the case, I agreed to go out for drinks with the boys. Of course, Castle decided to join us, which is going to make avoiding him very hard, since I don't have work to distract myself with anymore. Fortunately I got Lanie to join us too.

We have all been drinking and having a few laughs for sometime now, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't at least tipsy. I guess I figured having to sit next to Castle for the night would be easier with some liquid courage.

We finished another round of drinks and I offer to go get us a new one.

"Wait." Castle says, standing up from the booth we're all currently sitting at. "I'll help you."

I turn my back to him, close my eyes and sigh. I really don't want to be alone with him right now. I don't want to talk about what happened. I'm not sure how that would go. I know it was a mistake, but having to look into those eyes and remember what it was like to kiss him, while I've been drinking? Yeah, I'm not sure I can think rationally right now.

I walk up to the bar and order for us. I see Castle moving to stand next to me from the corner of my eye. I try to look anywhere but at him.

"You having fun?" He asks. He sounds different. Or am I imagining things?

"Uh." I mumble. I clear my throat. "Yeah, I guess." I finally answer him.

"Good. That's.. Good. Yeah." He rambles. I try to keep myself from laughing. He sounds nervous. Maybe he won't bring up the kiss either?

"So, uh, about earlier.." Oh, well, there goes that theory.

The bartender gives me our drinks and I thank him, handing Castle half of them.

"I don't think we should talk about it here." I say quietly.

"Where then?" He asks. I sigh.

"Look Castle, there's nothing to talk about, okay?" I snap, making my way back to our booth.

I can feel Castle fast on my heel. The others look up as we approach them.

"Took you long enough!" Ryan exclaims.

"Yeah, well-" I start but I'm quickly cut off by Castle.

"You guys start on those drinks, we'll be right back." He says, while grabbing my arm.

I freak out a little bit. I'm not discussing this in a bar.

"No, Castle-"

"Please, Kate? Just.. Give me a minute." He says, looking me straight in the eyes, with a pleading look.

"What's going on guys?" Lanie asks, raising her eyebrows at us.

"Uh.." I mumble, still looking at Castle. "Nothing, I.. I guess we'll be right back." I say unsurely.

Castle starts leading me through the bar and out in the alley. It's already dark and the temperature has definitely dropped. All in all, this situation is making me quite uncomfortable.

When he stops walking and lets go of my arm, I speak up.

"Look Castle, like I said, there's nothing we need to talk about."

"Really? Why is that?" He questions.

"Because.. I, we both know it was stupid. Spur of the moment. Not a big deal." I reply while staring at my shoes.

"Do you regret it?" He asks, trying to get me to look at him, but I won't.

"Well.. Yeah, I mean, it wasn't supposed to happen." I mumble.

Castle takes a step closer to me.

"From what I recall, you kissed me back, Kate." He says quietly, his voice lower than usual. Gosh, I hate when he calls me by my first name. It sends shivers down my spine.

"Well I know, but-"

"So you wanted it too. Right?" He asks, again taking a step closer. He's now close enough for me to feel the warmth from his body on mine.

"I.." I start while raising my eyes from the ground to look at him, but once my eyes land on his face, I forget what I was saying. He looks at me, with a warm expression on his face. He leans in closer.

"It's okay to admit it you know." He whispers before pressing his lips against mine, and my eyes slip shut right away.

Before I can actually register what's happening, I find myself kissing him back.

This is the second time I feel his lips in mine in such a short time. Yet, I had forgotten how amazing his lips really feel. In the cold alley, his lips feel warm and soft and oh so perfect. He places his hands on my hips, warming me up. I press my palm against his chest. I can feel his heartbeat. I don't think I could ever get used to kissing Castle. There's something.. Addicting to it. I can't think straight.

That is until I feel his tongue against my lips. I open my eyes. This was not supposed to happen. I pull away and use my hand resting against his chest to push him away from me. He looks surprised. I run my hands through my hair.

"What's wrong?" He asks. I can't help but let out a frustrated laugh.

"What's wrong?" I repeat his words. "Oh I don't know, let's see. Oh the fact that you think you can just go around kissing me whenever you feel like it?" I snap.

"Excuse me?" Castle says, looking genuinely confused.

"You can't do that Castle! I'm not playing your stupid game!" I exclaim.

"What game? You kissed me back?" He says, trying to understand my train of thought.

"I know but I was confused, okay? You just kissed me, I didn't know what to think!"

"Uh, okay, well-"

"Look Castle, I told you I'm not going to be just one of your conquests. That's not who I am." I explain, crossing my arms across my chest.

"What? Kate-"

"No, listen to me. I understand it's hard for you, okay? Not a lot of the models and whoever you hang out with ever tells you no, right? But I'm not like them. I'm not. I don't just sleep around. That's not who I am. I care too much to do that. I get that's how you roll, but I can't. And honestly I thought you'd understand that. I mean, I told you about my mom. I.. I thought you understood who I am. I just.. Why do you do this?" I ramble on, before I realize how much I've actually said.

"Kate.." He whispers.

"No, look, I just don't work the same way, I don't want-"

"Kate, can I please say something?" Castle interrupts me, raising his hands to touch my arm, but moves it away quickly.

"Fine." I whisper.

"Thank you. I uh.. Okay." He says, taking a deep breath before continuing.

"I know I came off as a.. Well, a jackass, when we first met. And yeah, when I asked you out at the end of our first case, it would've probably ended the way you think. But.. God Kate, I do know you. Maybe not yet as well as I want to, but I know that much. And that's why I'm here right now. Not because you're the only woman to tell me no in a long time, but because you're extraordinary. Because ever since that first case I've seen something different about you and it amazes me. I respect you. You could never be another conquest to me. Please know that."

I just stare at him, trying to take in everything he just said. What does he even mean?

"I like you. You must know that?" He questions.

"Well, I guess, I just thought-" I mumble, looking back at my feet.

Castle carefully reaches for my hand and takes it in both of his.

"Look, I'm not like what you think I am. Well, I've changed. Really Kate, I care too much to just throw away what we have by having a one night stand. I like you, okay? As in I like buying you coffee everyday because it makes you happy and I love your smile kind of way." He chuckles.

I laugh too. Is he serious right now?

"I.. Are you.. What are you saying?" I let out a breath.

"I'm saying, you should rethink the whole kissing thing. Did you think it was a mistake because you thought I didn't want more than sex from you, or because you didn't really want to kiss me?" He states.

I move to look him in the eyes. He looks sincere. I can't help but believe everything he just told me. And I do want to kiss him. But am I really ready for.. What is he offering anyway? A relationship? Oh God.. A relationship with Richard Castle?

"Well, I.. The first part." I stupidly answer him. He laughs.

"But I.. I don't know. I mean, what are you offering here exactly?" I ask, awkwardly running my free hand through my hair.

"I'm offering, that maybe you'd give me a chance. Us, maybe you'd give us a chance." He replies nervously.

"Are you sure? I mean.. We work together, kind of. And seriously, you could have anyone you want-" He cuts me off my letting out a laugh.

"That's you Kate. I really do want to be with you. All that matters right now, is whether you feel the same way." He says, looking straight at me, waiting for my answer.

We stand still, just staring at each other for a while. It's even colder out now.

"I'm just.." I whisper, not sure how I want to end that sentence.

"Just what?" He asks, rubbing circles on the back of my hand.

"Scared." I whisper. I can't voice all my insecurities. I don't let people in. Not since my mom died. Not since my dad started drinking, leaving me alone to deal with it. Of course I want to be with Castle, but can I? Am I ready for the kind of relationship he's offering me?

He seems to understand where I'm coming from.

"I know. But I think it's better to take a risk sometimes, don't you? And for what it's worth, I'm not going to hurt you." He says. I open my mouth to protest, but he seems to read my mind and lifts his hand up in front of my face, silencing me.

"I know, I know you think I can't promise that, and I know I can't promise that we won't fall apart or that it won't be hard at times, but Kate, you can trust me. If not now, you will be able to. I would never hurt you. I want to prove that to you." He explains. Once he's finished, he lets out a breath, and waits for my answer.

I'm kind of amazed by his words. It really is hard for me to trust anyone, but Castle's shown me many times how he has my back. And everything he's told me tonight? I really want to trust him. I really do. So many people, including Lanie and my dad, has told me to take risks, to let myself be happy over the years, but I've always been too scared.

Castle is already important to me. More important than I'd like to admit. Do I want to risk losing him altogether? What if we don't work out?

But what if we do?

I take a deep breath and once again look into his blue eyes. The look he gives me is sweet. There's something in his eyes that I can't quite put into words. But it's enough for me to know my answer.

"I do trust you." I whisper.

"Good. Does that mean..?" He trails off.

"Yeah, it does. I just.. Can we take this slow?" I stutter.

His face breaks in to a beautiful smile. "Of course. As slow as you'd like. I really do care about you Kate." He reassures me.

I can't help but smile. "I care about you too." I whisper. Expressing my feelings is also something I'm not great at.

"Good to know." He chuckles. I laugh with him. Is this really happening right now?

"Can I kiss you now?" He whispers carefully. I giggle. Giggle? Really Beckett?

"I suppose you can." I reply.

He chuckles again, leaning in to kiss me.

This is the first time I'm kissing him, knowing what it means. He wants to be with me. Because he likes me, cares about me. It still feels surreal, and I think it will for a while. It'll take me a while to get used to the change in our relationship. From a pain in the ass, to a partner to boyfriend? Oh my God, I'm Richard Castle's girlfriend. There's a sentence I never thought I would say.

Just as Castle slides his hand through my hair, somebody coughs in the distance.

We pull away from each other to see all of our friends standing at the door.

The boys are shaking their heads and Lanie's jaw is basically on the floor.

"So, is this a thing with you guys now? You just disappear and start making out?" Esposito teases.

"Yeah, do you always have to interrupt though?" Castle snaps back at him.

I cover my face with my hand.

Lanie finally manages to pick her jaw from the floor and speaks up.

"Girl, you have some serious explaining to do." She says, pointing her finger between Castle and I.

I groan.

"I'm sure she'll tell you everything but can I please kiss her, just once, without you morons barging in?" Castle states.

"Castle!" I blush and smack his chest.

Lanie raises her eyebrows. "SO much explaining to do, Katherine." She says, while pushing Esposito and Ryan back inside the club in front of her. When the door finally closes, I turn to Castle and cross my arms and raise my eyebrows.

"Really?" I snap.

"What?" He asks innocently. I can't help but laugh.

"Dork." I say while poking his arm.

"You wound me detective." He says dramatically, before grinning and leaning in to brush his lips against mine.

Maybe I could get used to this after all.

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**I'm like Tinker Bell but instead off applause, I live for reviews. Please review? -S**


	4. Driven

**A/N: Hello again! This chapter takes place shortly after Driven. I wanted to write an insight on what was going in Kate's head after the events of that episode. Also writing this was sort of an outlet for my own anxiety lately. I don't know when I'll be able to upload again, I'm leaving for a road trip around Europe in a few days. But, as soon as I can, there will be another chapter up! If you have any ideas on what you'd like to see in the chapters, please do share. And please review! I can't even explain how much I love your reviews. I really do. Happy reading! x **

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I find myself staring at him. Can you really blame me? Two months. That's sixty-two days. Two months of not knowing.. Anything. Whether he's alive or not. Whether he was abducted or killed. And why. Whether he just left.

But he's back. He's home. But everything is different.

I still don't know where he was and why. I know he's alive, and I couldn't be happier about that. But I can't help but wonder..

He's different too. He thinks only a day or two has gone by, yet he's very different.

He doesn't remember. He can't tell me what I've been trying to find out for two months. He's home, but I barely have any answers.

Is this a universe's way of playing a cruel joke on me? I lied to him about remembering my shooting, and now I lost him for two whole months, and get no explanation whatsoever.

I spent two months hoping, praying that he's okay, that I get to see him again. I spent two months crying myself to sleep every night, and then waking up four hours later to spend another day desperately fishing for clues. I spent two months listening to everyone telling me that he left me. That he just up and left, after everything we've been through.

He's home, but he's broken. And so am I.

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Laying next to him in the bed feels surreal. For those two months, I kept dreaming of him, holding me in his arms. Now I don't let him hold me. I can't. I don't know why, but I can't be too close to him. What if he's not really here? What if he doesn't want to be?

I promised myself I would not let myself shut down, that I would not build that wall back up. But it's hard. Being without him is always hard. Those two months made me doubt everything. Every possible theory, everyone, him and myself. I don't know what to believe anymore.

I believe when he told me he didn't just walk away. I believe when he said he must've missed him. I have to. Because my Castle wouldn't leave me. He wouldn't. But something about this all makes me feel so weak. Like all those years ago.

In a way, Castle's disappearance hit me even harder than my mom's death. I thought nothing could, but Castle was the one who got me through it, really. Castle was the one to teach me about trust, family and love. I trust him more than anyone. He is my family. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. I don't know how much longer I could've gone without him.

He's already asleep and he looks peaceful. His sunburn face is buried in the creamy pillow and his breathing is heavy. He was so tired when he got home. Understandably so.

I can't help but stare at him again. He's really here. He's alive. I'm with him. He didn't leave me. He didn't.

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I wake up in panic. I'm covered in sweat and I can't catch my breath. The images of my dream won't leave my head.

Castle in the car, burned to death.

Castle in the boat, shot to death.

Castle in an alley, stabbed to death.

I run my hands through my sweaty hair and sit up. I glance at the other side of the bed. Castle's still sound asleep. He's laying on his back, one hand resting on his chest, the other one hanging outside of the bed. He snores slightly. He still looks peaceful.

I can't shake the feeling of panic though. We still don't know what he's been through. We don't know if he's still in danger, he probably is. What if he being back is just temporary? What if this is the dream? I can't lose him, I can't. Have I already?

I throw my legs over the side of the bed and stand up. I cover my mouth with my hand, trying to muffle the sound of my panting. I still can't catch my breath.

I feel the familiar feeling of panic rising in my chest. My hands go numb as my whole body starts shaking.

I'm having a panic attack.

It's not exactly new. The last two months have been nothing but uncertainty and fear, but I haven't had a proper panic attack in years. I start feeling lightheaded and I need to leave the room.

I walk in to the living room and sit on the couch. I press my face in my hands and sob. My thoughts are going a mile a minute and breathing gets harder and harder. I can't remember any of the tricks to calm down while having a panic attack. My mind doesn't work at all. I can feel tears flowing down my cheeks, though I didn't know I was crying.

Suddenly a light goes on in the living room. I know someone else is in the room, but I can't raise my head from my hands. I can't move.

"Katherine?" I hear a voice calling my name. Martha.

"Oh Katherine, darling." She whispers and I can feel her moving next to me on the couch.

She places her hand on my back and starts rubbing in gently. I can hear her whispering something in my ear but I can't quite make out what it is. I finally move my hands from my face and move them around her instead.

I don't know how much time goes by, I can't focus on anything around me.

Finally Martha's voice cuts through.

"You're going to be alright Katherine." She says assuringly. "Just breathe, dear."

And I do. I focus on my breathing and her hand on my back and finally manage to catch my breath in a few minutes. I'm still crying though.

"There you go darling. You're okay."

I open my eyes and look at her. "Thank you." I whisper, just barely loud enough for her to hear.

"Why on earth are you thanking me?" She smiles at me. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I shake my head. "I uh.. No. I don't think so. I'm okay." I whimper.

"Darling, you're still crying. You are not okay." Martha says firmly and gives me a look. I look back at her through the tears still in my eyes.

"Kate?"

Both Martha and I turn to look at the bedroom door, where a half asleep Castle is currently standing.

"Are you having a slumber party without me?" He asks and yawns.

"Oh Richard for heaven's sake." Martha groans. "Can you not see that your fiancée is currently crying?"

Castle's expressions grows serious right away and he takes a step further into the room.

"What's wrong honey?" He asks, sitting next to us on the couch.

It has been so long since he last called me that.

"I think she had a panic attack." Martha states.

"I'm fine, don't worry." I say as I attempt to wipe my face clean of tears with the back of my hand.

"No, you're not. Please talk to me Kate." Castle whispers. I look him in the eyes.

"I'm going to go get a glass of water and then go back to bed." Martha announces and kisses my forehead before getting up. She gives Castle a look. "Take care of her Richard." She orders him before moving to the kitchen.

Castle stands up too and offers me his hand. I sigh and slowly take his hand. He leads me back to our bedroom. He sits me on the bed next to him. He pushes some of my hair behind my ear, letting his fingers linger on my skin for a while.

"What happened Kate? Did you have a panic attack?" He asks in a soft voice. He sounds worried. I know he was worried about me when my PTSD was at its worst after I was shot. I only recently told him about how bad it actually was, and he felt guilty for not being there for me. I of course told him he was being ridiculous since I told him to give me space, which was the right thing to do at the time.

I swallow. This is not going to be easy for either of us.

"Yeah, I did." I whispered, wiping my face with the sleeve of my shirt.

"Why? What happened?" He asks, rubbing my arm.

"I don't know I just.. I had a nightmare." I quietly reply him.

"Tell me about it." He says. He doesn't ask me to, but he doesn't order me to, either. He says it like it's something I should do, but like he is going to help me with it.

"I, uh.. It was just.. You didn't.. You didn't survive and.. I-" I barely manage those words out before I burst into uncontrollable sobs again.

"Oh Kate." Castle whispers and scoops me in his arms. He strokes my hair and tries to calm me down.

"I'm okay. I know it was scary, but I'm okay. And so are you. We are going to be okay, I promise honey." He whispers in my ear.

I close my eyes and breathe in his scent. He still smells the same. I bury my head into his chest and finally the crying calms down.

"I'm so sorry I put you through that. I can't imagine what it was like. I hate that you're this hurt because of me, I'm so sorry." He whispers sadly.

I want to tell him it's okay, that it's not really his fault, but I'm exhausted and hearing him say he's sorry, proves me that he didn't just leave. He was taken from me.

"I love you, Kate. We're going to be okay. I promise you. Nothing's going to take me away from you again, do you understand? Nothing. I love you."

Hearing him tell me he loves me, almost makes me cry again. It has been so long since the last time he told me that.

"I- I love you too." I whisper, barely loud enough for either of us to hear.

There's still a lot we need to work on, a lot we need to discuss, but for the first time in two months, I feel like maybe things will be good again. Castle's home. And whether he's still in danger or not, I won't let anything hurt him again. I will figure this out. No, we will figure it out.

Together.

As always.

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**Please leave a review to let me know what you think. Reviews are to me like what coffee is to Beckett. -S**


	5. A Deadly Affair

**A/N: Believe it or not, I'm actually alive! I'm so sorry for not updating in forever. I have excuses that you're probably not very interested in, but sometimes life gets busy. I sincerely apologize for taking so long. Although. this website wasn't exactly helpful! I did try to upload earlier but wouldn't let me login to my account. This chapter takes place in the first episode of the third season, A Deadly Affair. I've had this idea for a while. I'm not sure I'm happy with the ending of this particular one-shot, but it was tough to write since I didn't want to focus too much on the progress that will happen in Kate and Castle's relationship in season 3, but only the short moment of Kate being confused. I hope you find it readable anyways. Also I figured Kate was a bit more smitten with Castle before she was a oh so serious detective, so I didn't think it was too ooc. Hopefully. Also a shoutout to Mariana for firstly, pitching this idea with me, and secondly reading it first and convincing me that it didn't totally suck. I'm gonna say this again, if you have any ideas for missing moments or AU one-shots, please do share them! Okay, I'm gonna stop wasting your time now. Happy reading!**

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What kind of mess were this people involved in?

The same sentence repeats itself in my head over and over again as I stare at the pictures on the murder board. None of it makes any sense. I want to solve this case and missing an obviously big piece of the puzzle frustrates me. And on top of all, I made that bet with Castle.

Castle.

There's another confusing factor in my life.

Seeing him walk away with what's-her-name (okay I know her name, I just prefer not to say it) really hurt me. Much more than I'd like to admit. I had just convinced myself that letting Castle more into my life wasn't such a bad idea, that I would give him a chance, and then he walked away, just like that.

'See you in the fall.'

That godforsaken sentence had been haunting me for months, until it really was the fall, and Castle still hadn't come back. I was sure he wasn't coming back, sure that I had made a fool of myself and that he'd forgotten all about us here in the 12th.

Yet, here he is, sitting a few feet away from me, staring at the murder board. And I have no idea how to feel about it.

That's the thing, I never know how I feel when it comes to Richard Castle.

I was hurt when he left. I was embarrassed and a little angry, definitely upset. But now that he's back..

I mean I was mad at him. Oh was I ever. The second I first saw him at the crime scene, I could feel my face flush with anger towards him. How dare he walk out on me and not call? But now things are almost back to normal. Somehow he yet again convinced me to take him back. And I'm glad he is back.

Still some questions I haven't been able to let go of. Is he still with Gina? Does he only want to work with me because he gets to play cop? If it wasn't for this particular case, would he ever have called?

From the moment I brought him in for questioning at the precinct two years ago, he has been a pain in my ass. He acts like a child and doesn't listen. He hits on me constantly while still sleeping with other people (like his ex-wife number 2).

But every time I think 'jackass playboy' something at the back of my mind tells me I'm wrong. That's not all he is and I know it. Because even before that night two years ago, he's been there for me. I would never admit this to Castle, but he helped me before he even knew who I was.

His books have always been my favorites. 'So what' you might think. People have favorite books? But his books weren't just good. They were something I shared with my mom. Something that made me smile after a rough day, they still do. And as much as I hate him teasing me about reading his books, I do love them. That's why I stood in line for over an hour to get one signed..

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_Although the air outside is quite chilly for a New York spring, inside the bookstore the air is thick. The whole store is packed with people of all ages and genders. Most of the people standing in line are women a few years older than me, who honestly seem to have other interests than the literature, but I don't focus on them but the book in my hands and the fact that I'm about to meet the person who wrote it. I stand on my tip toes to see over the line of people still ahead of me. I can only see the top of the head of the man currently signing books. _

_I take a deep breath. The woman before me is using way too much perfume. I run my fingers through my hair, again. Why am I this nervous? _

_I know why. These books mean so much to me. They always have but especially since.. Well, let's just say that they make me feel better when there isn't much else making me smile. _

_There's only three more people in front of me in the line. I've been standing in the line for over an hour, and it got a bit boring. But now that I'm actually approaching his table, I suddenly feel so nervous. _

_The woman that just got her book signed steps away from the table to talk to the woman standing behind me._

_"Oh he is so charming! And even better looking in person!"_

_I roll my eyes. Not because I disagree with her, I don't, but because I've been waiting for this moment for so long. I feel like doing this brings me closer to mom, which logically makes no sense, but all the memories of those late nights in the summer spent talking about these books are fresh in my mind and it feels like she's here with me. _

_Suddenly I feel someone poking my shoulder from behind me. I turn around to see what's going on._

_"It's your turn." The woman behind me says rather rudely. _

_"Oh, sorry." I quickly say back before stepping forward to stand in front of the table._

_At first he's not looking at me. He's typing a message on his phone, but only for a minute. I notice his dark hair, his long eyelashes and dimples. And suddenly his blue eyes are looking at me._

_"Hello." His deep voice says to me and I need to take a breath before I remember how to respond._

_"Hi." I reply, but it comes out as more like whisper. _

_"What's your name?" He asks, looking at me almost curiously._

_"Kate." I say and my voice sounds stronger now. "My name's Kate." I place my copy of his book on the table and he smiles at me and opens it on the first page. _

_"Well Kate, has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful eyes?" He says, not looking at me anymore but writing something down on my book._

_"Uh, no. Thank you." I mumble. I can't get over his eyes, they're insanely blue! What's so great about my eyes?_

_"Well, they are. Beautiful. I hope to see them happier one day." He says, his voice caring, like he actually knew me._

_"What?" I squeak. What could he possibly mean?_

_"I just hope that whatever you're going through doesn't stop you from being happy. Not for good." He answers me, his eyes still on the page of the book. I can't do anything but stare at him, my mouth hanging open. How does this man, a complete stranger, read me like an open book? _

_"Whatever it is, it's not forever. Okay?" He says, finally looking up from the page on the book, and into my eyes again._

_I can't find my voice in the moment so I just nod. He smiles._

_"Good. Take care of yourself." He says warmly. "Until next time, Kate." _

_"Thank you. So much. For.. Everything." I say quietly, grab my book from his hand and step away from the line. I steal one last glance at him while I'm walking away. For a second I could swear he was looking after me, but just a second because he's already greeting the rude woman who was in the line after me._

_I didn't say any of the things I wanted to. I wanted to tell him what his books meant to me. How some of my best memories are about reading his books, how they always manage to keep me going. I didn't say any of those things to him. I barely talked at all. I sigh. _

_How could he have known something was wrong from looking at me for two seconds? The look he gave me was so intense. Is he like that with everybody? He must be. Still, it sent shivers down my spine. He was quite like I expected him to be. Nice, calm, smart. _

_I feel like laughing at myself. Come on Kate, you saw the guy for five minutes. And he must be just as charming to everyone on the line. That was not a special moment for him, I was just another fan. Still.. Even if he never thinks about me again, he has impacted my life. _

_It doesn't dawn on me to look at the signature until I actually get to my apartment. I completely forgot about it, thinking about the meeting with the author himself._

_I sit on the couch, not bothering to take off my jacket. I take the book out of my purse and flip the first page open. My eyes scan the paper for a few seconds. I can't help the smile forming on my lips as I read the words on the page over and over again._

_To Kate,_

_Don't let anything keep you from being the extraordinary person you're meant to be._

_Love, Richard Castle_

_I finally close the book, but I still can't put it down. Mom would've loved that message. Mom would've agreed with that message. I know I can't feel sorry for myself anymore. I need to do something. Something to make a difference._

* * *

I smile at the memory of that day. Needless to say, I've spent a lot more time with Castle since that day, but no matter how childish he acts or how many dates he brags about, somehow I always remember that day, and how those three minutes with him impacted my life. He can't be all bad. In fact I know that he isn't.

He quite enjoys playing the rich and handsome playboy role, but I know better than that.

Maybe I'm not ready to be more than so called partners with him, but I know I can't just ignore him or make him go away. I can't because he would keep coming back, but also because deep down I don't want to. Not that I would ever admit that to anyone.

I have no idea what him coming back to the precinct means for me, for us, and I know there are still things to be resolved between us but suddenly I'm sure I don't want him gone. Now I just need to figure out how to get him to stay without telling him how I feel.

Maybe if I lost the bet..

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**I hope you guys enjoyed this little one-shot. Please leave a review to let me know what you thought. I've loved reading your reviews, I hope to see more of them! -S**


	6. Last Action Hero

**Hey y'all! Again, sorry for not updating in about a hundred years! I suck. Hopefully I'll have more time and energy to write after next week which is the last week before summer vacation! This chapter is a followup for the last one. I knew while writing the last one that this had to be written too. I'm not sure it turned out exactly like I wanted, but here it is anyway. Happy reading! **

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As I place my hairbrush on the table next to my side of the bed -our bed, my mind adds- I can't help but smile. As expected, officially moving out of my apartment was.. emotional, for the lack of a better word. There was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to move in with Castle, of course not, but leaving that apartment meant leaving a big part of my life behind. I've worked hard to get to the place where I am now, as the person I am today, and being with Castle, completely being with him, is one of the things that makes it all worth it.

I'm just about to climb into bed when I catch movement from the corner of my eye.

'Speak of the devil.' I murmur to myself and again, can't keep the smile off of my face as I move to the bookshelves and to my husband standing in front of them.

He's holding a copy of his own book in his hand. One of the Derrick Storm ones. He doesn't seem to notice me standing a foot away from him just yet, he seems too preoccupied with whatever is currently going on in his mind and making his brow furrow in the way it only does when he's deep in thought. I watch him a few seconds longer until I just have to ask.

'What's going on in that crazy mind of yours?'

He quickly lifts his eyes from the cover of the book and turns to look at me. He looks a bit puzzled but a soft smile graces his lips as soon as I finish my sentence.

He turns the book around in his hands a couple of times and lets out a light laugh.

'Just thinking.' He replies softly.

'Yeah, I could tell.' I reply as I take a step closer to him. 'What were you thinking about? Finally realized you shouldn't have killed off Derrick Storm?'

'Hey, I'll have you know that we would not be here if it weren't for me killing off Derrick Storm.' He defends himself and also steps a bit closer to me, the book still in his hands.

'Hmm maybe so.' I say as I wrap my arms around his middle, and look up at him.

'But really, are you okay?'

He looks at me for a second before pressing a kiss onto my hairline.

'Yeah I'm okay, great even. I was just thinking about.. about the alternate universe dream I had while I was unconscious, you know the one where you wore a skirt to the precinct.'

I roll my eyes. 'Of course that's the part you will forever remember from the dream. What happened to me being the captain of my own precinct?'

Castle laughs softly. 'All I'm saying is, I wouldn't mind seeing you in a skirt.'

'You've seen me in a skirt plenty, mister.'

'Touché, Mrs. Castle.' He replies, and we both smile at the name he's made a habit of using for me.

'No, actually, something else about the dream, I just remembered, got me thinking..'

I wait patiently, knowing he'll finish his sentence once he finds the right words.

'You said something.. Well, the skirt wearing you said something that.. For a second I thought it was real until I realized I just remembered it from the dream.' He finally states.

The look in his eyes is something I can't quite read. He's explained to me, in great detail one might add, about this alternate universe dream, that he for the longest time insisted was real. He admitted to him being a failed writer in that universe and that he and Alexis had fallen apart, to which I of course replied with reassuring words about that not actually being a possibility, since those two have the weirdest yet sweetest relationship I've ever witnessed between a child and a parent.

He explained it all to me, but now it seems he remembered something about it that's bothering him. The things he's already told me about this dream have been quite colorful to say the least (Lanie pregnant? Her face was priceless when I mentioned that to her!), I can only imagine the things my husband's overly creative imagination might've come up with.

'What did I say? In your dream, I mean.' I ask.

He takes a slow breath before speaking.

'The other you mentioned waiting in line to get a Derrick Storm book signed by me, and for some reason, when I thought of it after waking up, I thought you, my you, had said it. I don't know..' He explains to me quickly while rubbing the back of his head with the hand that is not currently holding a book.

It's my turn to take a deep breath. I knew this day would come, I knew I had to, at one point, tell him this story, yet it still feels weird standing here now, with my husband, getting ready to explain to him how we met before we actually met.

'Oh. That's.. Interesting.' Is the only thing I managed to get out.

'Yeah, I know, I don't even know why I was confused.' He looks at his feet.

'Well.. I definitely haven't said that.'

'I know.'

'But, uh.. It did still happen.' I finally breath the words out.

He looks stunned. He opens his mouth to speak but then closes it again. Finally, as he opens his mouth again after a few seconds, words do come out.

'You.. What?'

Well, only two words but words nonetheless. I figure it's my job to do the talking for a little while.

I take a deep breath before I speak.

'It was years ago. A few years after mom was killed. I.. Stood in line in a crowded little bookshop for over an hour to get a copy of the newest Derrick Storm novel signed by you.'

He opened his mouth to say something but I covered it with my index finger.

'No, let me.. Let me tell you this. I need to since I didn't get to do it then.' I whisper. He nods and waits for me to continue. I gather my thoughts for a minute. I want him to know this. I trust him. Heck, I love him. I've just never really explained to anyone how much his books really meant, well mean, to me.

'I waited for over an hour. I.. I loved the book and sure, getting your signature was great but mostly I did because.. Because I wanted to tell you how much your books meant to me. I know we always joke about me being your biggest fan but Rick.. Reading your books with my mom, are one of the best memories I have with her. We talked about them for hours. And after she was gone.. Reading them helped me. It did. More than I can ever explain. And I wanted to tell you that. But when I had the chance, I didn't get a word out. I don't know why, but I never said anything. I think I just about said 'hello' and 'thank you.' And maybe because.. Because as well as you can read me now, you did it back then too. You told me I was obviously not happy, that whatever was holding me back wouldn't be forever. And I couldn't understand how you could tell. Even back then, I was pretty good at keeping my poker face but you just knew.. And it meant so much to me. Do you know what you wrote in my book?' I finally ask him, my voice shaky from all the emotion I'm putting into my little speech.

Castle shakes his head, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

'Never let anything keep you from being the extraordinary person you're meant to be.' I tell him. 'That's what you wrote in my book all those years ago. And I never forgot that. Even after we met, and you annoyed me or hurt me.. I always remembered that. I will always remember that.'

There is a short silence in the room as I take a few breaths before finishing my speech and Castle just looks at me.

'So yeah, I did go to a book signing. And you.. You have no idea what you've done for me, even before you had any idea who I was. And I never got to thank you for that. You kind of saved me even before all the guns, bombs and freezers. You saved me Rick. Thank you.' I whisper and bury my head in his shoulder. He wraps his arms around me, over mine and holds me close. We stay quiet for a few minutes, there's no need to say anything. Now he knows, and he knows he doesn't have to say anything about it, he knows I just needed to get it out.

Finally he speaks.

'Why did you never tell me?' He whispers.

'Honestly, I don't know. After we'd been working together for a little while, I kind of forgot about it. I mean.. You were kind of a jackass, unlike the guy I met at a bookstore.' I reply and Castle chuckles.

'I just.. I can't believe I can't remember you. The first time I met the love of my life and I can't even remember it.' He mumbles.

I move my head from his shoulder to look up at him.

'Castle, it was years before we met. And there were about 500 other women in the room. I said about two words to you. Why would you remember that?'

He sighs. 'I know, I know, I just.. It feels weird that you have that memory and I don't.'

'Well, we have quite a few memories together, don't we?' I say, lifting my chin up to touch my nose to his. He moves his head down a little bit to make the gesture easier.

'Yeah.' He breaths out, leaning his forehead against mine. 'We sure do.'

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**A review would be lovely. Motivates my writing. Seriously. -S**


	7. Probable Cause

**A/N: Hello friends! I'm back. This chapter is about Probable Cause and I think, also my longest chapter so far! I wanted to write something different so I thought, hey, let's add Lanie to this mix. I'm not sure this turned out like I planned, but I hope you guys like it! Please leave a review either way. Happy reading!**

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'Beckett... They've been having an affair.'

As soon as those words register in my mind, I mumble an excuse, my eyes never leaving the file in my hands, yet never reading a word on the page, and run out of the room. Once I reach the break room, I finally stop to breathe. My mind feels like a beehive. Million things are buzzing around in my head, creating a mess I cannot make any sense of.

Is this really possible? Is all of what I've been told today true? Is it possible to be this wrong about someone you've known for over 4 years?

Who am I supposed to believe here? The evidence? My trained detective friends? My boyfriend?

Is Castle really capable of something like this?

I'd been so sure of it. I still refuse to believe it. But as much as I want to appear stronger than anyone else, I'm insecure. These emails? I don't want to believe that they're real. I want to be sure of it. But how can I be? Why would he settle for me? Of all the women in New York? Is it possible that he'd play me like this? Is it possible that my appeal was the fact that I told him no in the beginning? Was it the chase? And now that I finally gave into him, he immediately got bored?

I cover my face with my hands and sigh. Just a few days ago, I had been happier than in years. Now everything seems messier and crazier than ever before. One thing I know for sure; I have got to get out of here. I can't look at one more piece of crushing evidence against Castle until I get my head out straight.

I walk to my desk, throw the file on it, grab my jacket and speed walk to the elevator. I can't handle any more of Ryan's pitiful looks. I need to get away from here. From the murder board that currently supports a young woman's bloody face and my partner's headshot with the word 'suspect' above it.

I push the button and lean my head against the elevator's back wall and close my eyes. I can feel hot tears burning behind my eyelids. Once I reach my car, the first tears have already fallen onto my cheeks.

What am I suppose to do? Through everything, doing my job, and doing it well, has been so important to me. But as I've discovered, so is Castle. Even more important. I can't imagine him doing this.

Suddenly I open my eyes. He isn't. There is no way he's capable of doing this. I know my Castle, and he's not this.. He can't be.

I take my phone out of my jacket pocket. I need to talk this out. I need to say these things out loud and have someone listen to me or I will drive myself crazy. I need my best friend.

I send Lanie a text, asking her to come over to my place because I need to talk. She responds almost immediately, promising to come and bring a bottle of wine with her.

The whole drive home, I try to not think about the case, about Castle in holding.. Which results into me spacing out at a red light until someone honks in the line behind me.

Once I let myself into my apartment, it all washes over me again. Somehow, being home makes it worse. At the precinct I could put everything into doing my job, turn on the cop mode. But being home, where I'd spend many evenings and mornings with Castle, who is currently accused of murder, just feels wrong. Home is supposed to feel soothing and safe, but I just feel like something's missing. And I know very well what that is.

Suddenly there's a knock on the door. I glance at the clock. It's been 15 minutes. I'd lost the track of time yet again.

Wiping my eyes on my shirt sleeve, I make my way to the door and pull it open. Lanie's smile fades the second she sees me and she lowers the bottle of wine she was holding at eye level to her side.

'Oh sweetie..' She whispers and I start sobbing again. She wraps me into a hug and closes the door behind us. After trying so hard not to break down in front of the boys, it feels good to have someone comfort me, as hard it is for me to admit to needing someone.

'Let's go sit down, okay sweetie? And you can tell me everything.' Lanie says while rubbing my back. I nod against her shoulder and she lets me go, but not completely, still keeping her hand on my back as we make our way to the living room. I take a seat in front of my couch instead of on it, and Lanie follows my example, sitting on the floor across from me. She gives me a look that seems to suggest that I can start talking whenever I'm ready. I take a few deep breaths and try to will the tears to stop rolling onto my face. Once I've calmed down a little, I start.

'There's… New evidence that… Really doesn't look good, for Castle.' I manage to get out.

'Oh…' Lanie sighs. 'What is it?'

I try to think of a way to tell her, before I realize something. Lanie doesn't know about Castle and I. How did I forget that fact?

'Uh, well… They found a deleted file on his computer, where he wrote a story about committing the perfect murder that was… That was just like out crime scene.' I explain to her. 'And… According to some emails that they found… The boys think Castle was having an affair. With the victim.' I whisper at the verge of crying again.

Lanie is silent for a while, her brow furrowed. 'Is... Are they sure?'

I wipe my eyes on my sleeve again. 'I… The emails suggest so, yeah.'

'Wow… Uh, how did no one know about this? Not even his family?' Lanie asks.

'Because..' I whisper. 'Because he's in a relationship with someone else.'

Lanie's eyes widen in shock. 'Uh, so he cheated on her with the victim?'

I can only nod. Lanie looks shocked. 'Okay… God. And the girlfriend didn't know? Have you talked to her yet? Who is she? How did we not know about her?' She asks, her shocked expression slowly turning into an angry one. I can tell it's not quite as hard for her to believe the story as it is for me.

I take a deep breath before answering. 'Because we didn't want you to.' I whisper, again looking away from Lanie.

'What?' She asks, her voice full of confusion.

I make myself look at her. 'Because we wanted to keep it a secret. From Gates, because of the… NYPD dating policy, it… Made sense to not say anything to anyone at the precinct.' I reply, my voice almost disappearing completely at the end.

Lanie looks nothing but shocked. Her jaw is practically on the floor. I can't get any more words out so I just look at her. I see her expression go from shocked to angry to sad.

'Oh Kate…' She whispers, her eyes full of empathy. I lower my gaze again, not being able to see her feel so sorry for me.

'The day I got suspended, I uh, went to see him and… We talked things through. We… Agreed that we'd both screwed up but… We both wanted, uh, well… Each other.' I mumble an explanation.

Lanie sighs and I look up. She looks like she wants to ask me something but decides against it. In the light of how messed up the situation is, no normal relationship questions and friendly teasing is quite appropriate.

'So… Since when has he… Been emailing her?' She asks carefully. I'm quite thankful for her choice of words. As I start explaining, I can feel new tears burning my eyes and my voice breaks.

'They started up about eight weeks ago, according to those emails… He met her at… One of his books signings and… He asked her out for coffee and that was… It was just a couple of weeks after we started seeing each other.' I explain as my voice falters and I have to stop to take a breath.

'Oh sweetie…' Lanie says, her eyes glistening as well.

'He said he needed to keep it a secret because he was with someone else. And when he tried to break it off about a week ago, she threatened to go tell his girlfriend… And he offered to come over to her apartment to talk things through… And that was the night of the murder.'

Lanie looks at me for a moment, then gently says: 'He had a motive.'

I shake my head. That's not enough to label Rick as a killer.

Lanie sighs. 'What did Castle say when you talked to him?'

'He said the emails were faked. He said he never wrote that story, that he was being framed…' I try to swallow my tears. 'You should've seen him, Lanie, he looked like a little boy, he was so scared…'

Lanie only looks at me. Her eyes are filled with unshed tears, but I can't quite tell what she's thinking. Does she really think Castle's behind this?

'I know him, Lanie.' I whisper. 'He is… An immature, egotistical… Self-centered, Jackass sometimes, but he's not this.' I try to convince her.

She looks down for a moment before looking back at me with a sorry expression on her face. 'Are you sure?' she asks.

I stare at her, unsure of what to say. I look away and think.

As a cop, I've always been told to follow the evidence, to read them and build a case. To go with my 'cop gut.' But as Castle has thought me, that's not always enough. Is there enough evidence to make him look extremely guilty? Yes. Does he have an alibi? No. Do others believe he's capable of this? Apparently. But I've seen this happen before. Just as I think the case is clear, solved, something suddenly doesn't add up. And something doesn't add up here. This is Castle, we're talking about. Castle, who's mind has solved so many cases, helped so many people, _saved_ so many people. Castle, who always knows to look for the story. Castle, who I've known for over four years. Castle who said he loves me. And no, he's not a killer. He wouldn't hurt someone else, especially not for what I know he would rule as his mistake. And he wouldn't make that kind of a mistake. I believe what I said to Lanie. I do know Castle. I've been wrong before, but not about him. Not since I saw that there was more to him than what's printed on page 6. I trust him with my life, why would I let this change that? No, my job is to find out the truth, and that's what I'm going to do. This is not over yet.

I look back at Lanie to give her an answer. 'Yes. I'm sure.'

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After a long day of trying to convince Castle that Tyson is dead, we were finally sitting on his couch, warm and safe. I lay my head on his shoulder as he runs his fingers through my hair.

'Thank you.' I hear him say. I move my head so that I can look up at him.

'What for?'

'For believing in me. Even when I looked really bad.' He smiles warmly at me.

I smile back. 'Yeah well, there's been quite a few times where you've believed in me. Even if I _was_ bad.'

He stares into my eyes, then leans to place a kiss on my forehead. 'You are most definitely good, Kate Beckett.' He whispers.

I'm just about to answer when I hear my phone beep a few times. I reach to grab it from the other side of the couch. There's three new text messages from Lanie.

_'Heard about Tyson. I'm glad you're both okay.'_

_'AND that your boy is no longer a murder suspect! Yay!'_

_'Speaking of which; getting your freak on with the writer boy and not telling your best friend? You are in so much trouble Katherine Beckett! You owe me a girl talk and some expensive wine, girl!'_

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**_Please leave a review, I had to rewatch Probable Cause in order to write this and you know how painful that is? -S_**


	8. Secret's Safe With Me

**A/N: Hey guys! So... I'm alive? I'm sorry for being MIA for so long, but school's started again and I'm busy and honestly I'm supposed to be writing something compeletly different, not fanfiction. But here I am! This chapter is a filler for 5x03, Secret's Safe With Me. This takes place right after the episode and it's really just Kate/Alexis bonding because I don't know about you guys, but I'd like to see more of that on the show. So, I hope you like it and please, if you do, let me know in the form of reviews! Happy reading! -S **

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'So, are you sure you're okay?' I ask again, knowing Castle doesn't like to admit to feeling vulnerable, much like myself, but I know his first night without Alexis there must be harder on him than he's letting on.

'Yes, I'm okay Beckett, don't worry.' I hear his reply at the other end of the line.

'Okay, I'm just checking.' I say, changing the phone's position against my ear.

'I know. And I appreciate it, I do. I just... Knew that this day was coming. And now it's here. And I'm dealing with it. My baby doesn't need me anymore.' He sighs dramatically.

'That's not true and you know it. Stop being so dramatic.' I reply when suddenly hear a knock on my front door. 'Uh, I gotta go, someone's at the door. I'll see you tomorrow?'

'Of course. And I'll be fine, really.' He replies.

'I know you will be.' I respond with a smile.

'Until tomorrow, Kate.' I can hear a smile on his voice too.

'Night, Rick.' I reply before ending the call and placing my phone next to me on the couch. I get up and make my way to the door and pull it open, expecting it to be one of my neighbors. Turns out I'm wrong.

'Alexis?' I ask, kind of shocked. The last person I expected to be at my door at 7:30 pm, is my boyfriend's daughter, who's supposed to be spending her first night at college.

'Hi.' She says gently, pushing some hair off of her face. 'Can I come in?'

'Of course.' I reply, stepping aside so that she can make her way into the apartment.

She shakes her coat off and lays it down on the arm of the couch. And says nothing.

'So,' I decide to start the conversation. 'What brings you here tonight? Is everything okay?'

'Oh, yes, everything's fine.' She's quick to assure me. 'I just.. Wanted to talk to you.'

That makes me nervous. All Castle has been talking about lately, along with his daughter going to college, is how weirdly she took the news about our relationship. Alexis has always made me nervous. Knowing how close of a relationship she has with her father has always made me feel like I need her approval. And now it seems like it might not be that easy to get. Not that I can exactly blame her.

'Okay.' I reply with an unsure tone in my voice.

Alexis seems to be looking for the right words so I decide to speak up first.

'Look, Alexis, I know you didn't exactly jump for joy when your dad told you about... Us, and I completely understand that. I just want you to know that I value your opinion, I really do. And though it might be hard for you to believe, I've changed a lot in the past year. I care about your dad a lot, and for what it's worth, I promise not to make the same mistakes again. I never wanted to hurt him and I'll work harder to not do it again. I promise.' I take a deep breath, anxiously anticipating her response. She stares at me for a moment and then, finally, speaks up.

'Dad didn't talk to you about what we talked about today, did he?' She asks.

I furrow my brow. 'What do you mean?' I ask.

'This is what I wanted to talk to you about since I already talked to dad. I don't hate you, detec- Kate.' She says gently, yet with a serious tone. 'I admit, I wasn't your biggest fan during the most of the last year, but I don't hate you. And I don't want you to think that I do. I was pissed at you, I really was. The way you treated my dad was not okay. But I now know how much you were actually hurting too. If dad's happy, then I'm happy. And I want to trust you to not hurt him like that again. If he trusts you, I trust you. He seems happy. Happier than in a while actually, and I want that for him. So, I'm okay. And I like you, Kate, I do. You made a mistake, I'm not going to hold it against you forever. I know my dad's made his share of mistakes too. I've forgiven you. I hope you can forgive me for being so rude to you.' Alexis finishes her speech with a questioning look. She wants me to forgive her? After everything I've put her family through?

'You have nothing to apologize for, Alexis. You had every right to be mad at me. I know what I did was wrong, but I was too focused on my own pain and insecurities. I know better now.' I explain to her.

'I know. And I'm glad you're better. But I want to apologize to you nonetheless. I've always admired you, Kate. And I've always considered you as someone I can trust. I'd like to keep it that way.' She says, almost shyly.

'I will do my best to be worthy of your trust.' I reply sincerely.

'I know you will. You're a good person, Kate. And I'm glad you're with my dad. It's been a long time coming, right?' She says with a slight, teasing smile on her face.

'I, uh..' I laugh nervously. 'I suppose it has been.'

She laughs too. 'I'm glad you're both happy. He makes you happy too, right?'

'Yeah, he does.' I reply honestly, blushing slightly and looking down at my feet.

'Good. That's good.' She replies. 'I just wanted to make sure you knew I was okay with this.'

'I'm glad to hear that, Alexis. I know how much your approval means to your dad too.'

Alexis smiles in response and then looks around the room quietly.

'Do you have to get back to the campus soon? It's getting kinda late.'

'Uh, yeah, I should probably get going soon.' She replies, yet makes no effort to leave. She looks around and plays with the strings on her hoodie. I can tell something's bothering her.

'So, how does it feel? Being a college girl?' I ask and watch Alexis' face fall slightly.

'Oh, you know. Awesome.' She replies, not so convincingly.

I examine her face for a moment. 'Are you terrified?' I ask her.

She quickly lifts her gaze from her shoes, where it had been since our conversation took this turn, and looks at me with a puzzled expression.

'Cause I was.' I continue. 'I was so excited to get out from under my parents' roof, but when the actual moment arrived, I started second guessing every decision I made. I mean, it's a huge change isn't it?'

'It is.' She whispers, looking back down at her shoes.

'Yeah. But you know, college ended up being one of the greatest experiences of my life. Did it take some time to get used to the dorm and my roommate? Yeah, believe me, it did. Was I broke for most of those four years? Oh yeah. And sleep-deprived! Man, I lived on caffeine, even more so than now. But I wouldn't change that experience for anything. I made friends I still talk to. For the first time, I felt as independent as I'd always wanted to be. And every time I felt homesick, I called up my parents and they managed to make me feel better and remind me of why I was so excited to move out in the first place, all in about 30 minutes.' I laughed at the memory. Alexis laughed too, finally looking at me.

'So I get why you might feel scared, but trust me. It's gonna be great. You're gonna feel homesick from time to time but you know how much your dad will love hearing from you, any time of day, and will certainly drop everything to come and see you. If anyone, you can definitely rock the college thing. You'll be fine.' I give her a smile and she smiles back.

'Thank you, Kate.' She whispers. 'I actually needed to hear that.'

'My pleasure.' I smile. I escort her to the door and open it for her. She steps out and then turns around.

'So, if I happened to need some advice about this whole college thing...'

'You can call me. Any time.' I answer her unfinished question. She looks relieved.

'Thank you, Kate.' She says. She looks torn for a moment and then takes a step back inside the apartment and wraps me in a hug. I immediately, though a bit taken aback, hug her back.

'I guess I'll be seeing you around more now, huh?' She says after pulling away from the hug.

'I guess so.' I reply.

'Good.' She says and gives me a smile.

'Good.' I smile back, relieved to know, even after the talk we had, that my presence in her life, especially in her home, wouldn't bother her.

'I would love it if you came with dad to see me sometime. You need to see my dorm. It's tiny.' She laughs.

I laugh too. 'I would love to.'

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**So, did you like it? Please, do leave a review! -S**


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